Do you like my hair? a Human Entrapment Ritual
by EvilHamsterMastermind
Summary: Some questions simply do not have a right answer.


An easy hum abbreviated by light chirps set the tone for a bridge at peace. But not to last as the Captain and first officer entered the bridge, carrying with them a reek of unrest and confrontation, that could only draw everyone's attention. Everyone except Tuvok. The Vulcan had been vaguely aware of a development between his two superiors. After his initial concern that this may be an attempt to skew the captains opinion was put to rest by the observation that she inevitably won arguments regarding ship and crew, Tuvok had decided that not only was this none of his concern, but that allowing the rest of the crew to think him ignorant would be the best choice.

Human relationships, he had observed, were often paired with petty illogical arguments. A correlation that he made no effort to understand, just avoid. This had every appearance of being another such discussion and one that he, if pulled into had a probability of 73.45 of saying something that would not be appreciated by the humans and a 43.78 probability of being included in other such discussions regardless of his answer. Logic dictated that under those odds, the best course of action was to stay out of it. An option made impossible by the following phrase, "I didn't notice, how could I? You barely changed anything." Followed closely by the phrase, "Everyone else did." Tuvok was now listening very closely, though he continued to work. Should the other bridge crew ignore the situation as he was, there was still the possibility of escape. Escape was once again made impossible by the chorus of "Looks great!" led by Mister Paris.

He knew without looking that Janeway was watching him, waiting for a reply. He paused to consider.

Based on his previous experiences with human women, the unsaid question was inevitably, "Do you like my new haircut." This was not a simple question, but in fact a ritual that human women engaged others in as a means to learn several things, few of which had anything to do with hair. Tuvok did not pretend to know what these things were, but had by observation learned several rules to this ritual.

1. the answers "No," and "I had not noticed" are never the correct.

Tuvok glanced up, briefly appraising his Captain's slightly altered features, "It's shorter."

2. "Yes" is also occasionally a wrong answer. Avoid stating an opinion if at all possible. Basic observations that acknowledge the change are preferable.

Janeway smiled slightly and Tuvok knew that this was not over. It was not a pleased smile as humans often get when they receive the answer they are hoping for or expecting. It was a tolerant smile that said that he wasn't getting the point. "Do you like it?"

3. If the female human herself likes the change, the answer is yes. No is still never the correct answer. A more complicated answer is usually expected at this phase, but offering an opinion is still to be avoided if at all possible.

Tuvok regarded her again. "It seems less likely to obscure your vision. It is practical." He nodded, returning to his work.

"That wasn't her question." The first officer had found a way out of his own predicament, Tuvok realized. It had now become a challenge, for if he could get Tuvok to make a wrong move, he himself would be absolved.

4. If everyone fulfills the ritual successfully, peace is sustained. If one or more persons fail, whoever fails more so will become the target. This target often will receive insults such as "insensitive" or "typically male."

Tuvok did not mind being labeled such. He was a Vulcan male and so saw no insult in such comments. However, with such insults often came attempts at educating such person to be more sensitive and less male. This was not preferable.

This time he paused longer than he needed to, ensuring that he appeared to be engrossed in minutely assessing the change.

5. Any opinion when offered quickly will be interpreted as off hand or as giving an answer to pacify. Even if this is the case, giving this impression is not acceptable.

He carefully cataloged the change, comparing it to other human females of approximate age and rank as Janeway. He found it to be well within normal bounds for her demographic and appropriate for an officer. Upon further observation he noticed that the color of some of her hair had changed to a lighter shade, as many human women of a slightly younger demographic had a high probability to do. Although he would never admit it, Tuvok was far from oblivious of human customs, he simply chose not to observe them as he was Vulcan and did not expect humans to abide by his customs.

6. Human females often change their hair at times of stress, crisis, or at landmarks in their life.

Reviewing what he knew from her file, Tuvok calculated that Janeway had very recently reached an age that humans deemed to be significant, this fact, combined with previous observation of her demographic verses the most common demographic for the changes made, there was a 89.99 probability that one answer was correct. Satisfied, Tuvok answered, "It suits you." And returned to work.

Janeway smiled approvingly, and turned towards her first officer who in defeat sat in his command chair, trying to ignore the disapproving glances he was getting.

Tuvok, having successfully navigated another human tradition, returned his full attention to the task at hand. He found it odd that humans were so convinced that logic and analysis had no place in communication and relationships. He did not survive decades of marriage, multiple pregnancies, and postings on two ships populated almost entirely by humans by chance.


End file.
